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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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5:21 am - Oh My God.
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I don't know what made me look through this, but it hurts. It's been 3 years since we made this....3 years since we posted last...why do these things happen? Why do people lose touch with each other? Why do your best friends turn out to be people who fade into the shadows? Why did I have to write about Ray in this....and go back to read it now, and have it STILL bring tears to my eyes??
Why the fuck can't the past disappear? Things can never be how they were, so why does it have to linger there to remind you of what you've lost?
Ugh...fuck it all.
-Erin.~Adored.
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(give us a kiss)
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| Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
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5:23 pm - -erin
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I'll unblock you on my aol. But I'm usually on aim at like...5PM, or 9PM. Tell me when you're on and I'll get on, I don't really have certain times I'm on each day, those were just guesses.
I love you<33333333333333
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(give us a kiss)
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| Friday, August 31st, 2001
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10:34 am - this is jess -
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erin tell me what times you come on and what aim you use or aol screen name ;// i seriously miss you sooooo much
current mood:  blah
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(give us a kiss)
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| Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
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10:46 pm - it's fucking erin dammit
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ray lied to me...he fucking lied..
everyone can go die now
i miss you jess =(
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(give us a kiss)
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3:11 pm - this is jess-
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erin ;/ i miss you so much... i wish things were like they used to be ;/ god
current mood:  stressed
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(give us a kiss)
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
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12:34 am - this is erin damn you =*(***
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omg...omg...omg...
when you said you were calling, i was right there by the phone, then after like..10 minutes my mom had me go find her sandals..then I came back and got your message...
i'm gonna cry
i love you =*(
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(give us a kiss)
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
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11:55 pm - this is jess ~
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erin ... i miss you ;/ you seriously should call sometime ;/ when will you be online? ;/
love you <333
current mood: stressed
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(3 kisses | give us a kiss)
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| Saturday, August 11th, 2001
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6:31 pm - ehh...Erin
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Jess...you know I care, I'm sorry I haven't been around to talk lately. I love you<3333 You should hook up w/my friend Drebay...he's a cutie and sweet =P
I forget where he's from though.
I love you sweetie, if all else fails email me, I'll always reply<3
current mood:  guilty
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(give us a kiss)
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| Friday, August 10th, 2001
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10:26 pm - this is jess -
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no one can see me hurting and no one cares.
current mood:  numb
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(give us a kiss)
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10:52 am - jess -
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BLAH i just wrote a huge long page thing and all i see on it is " im bored lonely " rofl wtf ;T oh well... but yes erin, you should follow through with it ;x i have nothing to do god ;/ bored </////3 ;T
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(2 kisses | give us a kiss)
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10:40 am - - jess ~*
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im bored, lonely </3, sad.... and ROFL i just broke my desk... k that wasnt cool. lol all the drawers just like fell out.. lol omg... that scared me ;x shit, lmao wtf and i supossed to tell my mom, " yeah i was sittin there and all of a sudden .... the drawers collapsed cuz im lazy and like to throw a whole bunch of shit in them " god ;T lol omg i cant fix them ;x oh well, thats what happens when your sisters ex husband gives you a pos desk. i cant wait until we move, i get all new stuff ;x thats THE only thing im looking forward too. that and a new school which = new friends... hmm ;/ boredome kills </3 my desk now looks lame, rofl omg ;x oh well. out of 104 buddies on my buddy list.... 2 people are on... wtf is up with that ;/ and thoe 2 people i dont talk to anymore ;x so blah *deletes them* i feel like im going to like... curl up and die ;x stress </3 lol damn where is my life headed ;T i hate being grounded from my car ;//// this sucks.
current mood:  sad
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(give us a kiss)
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12:39 am - ...Erin...
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Jess...it's for the best, I'm still here =P
One day you'll find someone who deserves you...and by the way...remember that promise I made to Justin about if he hurt you? LoL. Should I follow through? =X
G'night
Love you Jess my taco ho<3
current mood:  sleepy
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(give us a kiss)
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| Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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9:12 pm - this is jess~
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1:33 pm - this is jess -
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adios asshole... all i have to say on that subject. you know, hopefully my next relationship will be 20 times better... i mean damn.
current mood:  relieved
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(give us a kiss)
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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10:30 pm - *sighs* this is jess -
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yes there have been good times, so so many. and its very rare that he gets like that.... but when he does it drives me nuts, i go numb, i can't think straight, i have to vent, and normally whoever around me gets the brunt of my emotions, lately they have just been so hard to control ;/ its like im depressed 24/7, like noone cares anymore... everyone has forgotten... like it was nothing, it is nothing to them, but yet i have to sit there and think about it, it hurts so much, i never wanted it in the first place ;/ i sit there and wonder why i did it, there was only one reason... guess it = ;/ *sighs* i made a mistake, i wanted it so bad... and then... it happened and i was so happy, so was he, then he turned and showed no emotion like... it was nothing and it needed to go, i mean wtf ;/ everything was so perfect, when he found out he treated me so good, made all these empty promises " oh ill get up at 3, get you whatever you need " ;/ it makes me cry everytime i think about it. and noone seems to care anymore. right now my emotions are as strong as ever and i can't control them sometimes and i just start to cry for no reason and it hurts. but back to the main point, yes there have been so many good times, he treats me so good when he feels like it... he will hold me, tell me things - the im beautiful, that he loves me, that im perfect in his eyes, that we will stay together no matter what, that i am the only girl for him... when he says it, its so serious, and i believe him. just the looks he gives me, god erin he can be so sweet and so caring. it used to be all the time i would see that side of him now its just every so often, and when he shows it to me, i just melt in his arms... god ;/ when we are together i just feel whole, like nothing can go wrong, like people dont mean anything, i used to be so self concious but around him i just... feel like a queen ;/ he can just treat me so good, and the way he kisses me is to die for, the way he holds my hand, the little surprise kisses on my forehead, the sweetness in his eyes, when we would go places, and we would sit by a river... with his arm around me, i loved that, even though we wouldnt stay long... just when we drive... just being around him makes me feel good. he really does treat me right, just sometimes i get jealous, and go crazy, and sometimes he is pissy and makes me cry but i still love him all the same <3 we can get through stuff ;/ its just sometimes i lack attention and i need to be held and told things are ok, especially lately ;[ but most of the time he hasnt been in the mood and it drives me nuts, its liek something is wrong when it isnt, and just god... ;/ i just need those arms to secure me, and keep me safe... god he makes me feel safe ;/ there have been so many good times, i read back through my old journals... makes me cry sometimes, i miss how things used to be but i like how things are now even better, its just when he gets depressed that i cant handle it, i just cant... i dont know why but yeah ;/ i just have too much stress to handle right now , i dont need his on top of my own... just god ;/ i need to vent more but i wont. but yes, i love him... so much ;T *sighs* i just want my baby back ;/ is that too much to ask... god ;/ blah ok ima go ;/
current mood: depressed
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(1 kiss | give us a kiss)
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| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001
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11:29 pm - erin speaking
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Jess...your boss was right, there are so many guys out there, why be with one that treats you like shit? You're an angel, you deserve the best. Clearly Justin can't give you that. I don't know him, but I have a feeling if I was there, I'd want to kill him. I don't see the good times, or hear about when he treats you like he should...does he ever? Seriously, evaluate how he treats you, make a list if you have to. Is your relationship more good...or bad? Don't feel bad if you end up kicking him out, it's NOT your job to keep a roof over his head. He was kicked out for a reason, he got a second chance when you helped him out. How is his treatment towards you repaying you? He causes you so much stress and so much pain, it makes me sick. You've told me threats he's made, things he's done...you're so much better than that. I don't know how to get it through your head...I can lecture you, and be here for you forever...but until you realize that he's not worth the tears you cry ALL THE TIME, nothing will change. Just do what you think's right for you, not for him. Would you be happier with someone else? Not even with someone else..would you be happier without Justin making you cry? If he truly makes you happy, then I wish you the best, if not...do what's right for you, and move on...I'm sorry I wasn't here hun...love you<3
current mood:  angry
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(give us a kiss)
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5:08 pm - this is jess again ;T
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;/ i haven't cried so much in my life, not even when rob and me broke up that first or that last time... so i get to work, justin decides to sleep in the car, so whatever. some weird ass lady with an awsome looking horse goes and ties her horse up right next to the car, so i go and get justin up and tell him he can sleep in the tack room... instead hes all, " give me the keys to go get us food". he asks me to give him my car keys.... so that he can get food. ok first off my car is not insured under him, if he crashed it, i would be in a world of shit, if he got a ticket i would be in a world of shit..... so yeah ;/ i didnt say anything to him, then hes all, " give me the keys or im walking " and i said, " how about i go to, then we can get it together " he said no, because he didnt want my boss to get mad, that i understood, but then i got it okayed to go to lunch early, and he got pissy and bitchy, he just wanted to take my car... so i said no, that we both go or not at all, and he said he was walking. so yeah he started to walk, i of course chased after him, pretty pathetic huh ;/ but thats just the way i am. he said something to me, pissed me off so i turned around and went back to my work, in tears, just balling... pretty said huh lol ;x but yeah my boss was all saying how there are better guys out there.... the funny thing was... justin said i am so self centered, i only think about myself and not other people, but yet the only reason i took him to work with me was so that i could give him a ride to his work, because he didnt have any gas in his car.... i talked my mom into letting him stay with us when his mom kicked him out, i have been nothing but good to him but yet i keep getting treated like shit... i mean wtf ;/ so yeah i soon left my work, i was still crying, i saw him on the side of the rode, 3 miles from my work, i pulled over and sat down next to him, and i was all, " so where ya headed? " he said home to pack up his shit and leave. he said living with me and my mom is too stressful because all my mom does is bitch at me for various things, so i was all, " are you gunna break up with me " and hes all " thats the general idea " that pissed me off and hurt me so bad, i got in my car and left, i went home, cryed my heart out, called my sister... she calmed me down, well her and her boyfriend. it just seems like i have noone to talk to these days at all, i have so much stress and anger built up in me from these past few months, *sighs* long story... but it hurts... ;/ after i got off the phone with my sister, i decided i should go look for justin, because after all, i love him ;/ so i went and found him on the road, i started to cry, he walked over to my car, he got in, we sat there for awhile, we talked somewhat, then i took him out to eat... and so yeah somehow, magically, everything was fine again ;/ i dont get guys ;/ *sighs* erin... i wish you were here to tell me it will all be alright ;/
current mood: crushed
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(give us a kiss)
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8:28 am - this is jess -
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;/ i can't find my CAR KEYS ;/ this really pisses me off, i have looked everywhere in my house, i am late for work, lol ;x but omg my god damn mother will not give me the spare key TO MY OWN CAR. talk about bitch ;/ and to top everything off, justin bitched at me last night about nothing, made me cry, then this morning, he says, " i cant go anywhere my clothes fro work are not washed " so im all, " get up and wash your clothes " " NO " then i say " why didnt you wash them last night? " he says - " i told you about them last night, figure it out " so he expects me to wash his god damn clothes for him.... he could have had all the time in the world yesterday to wash them and he didnt, so now i am even later for work, and im pissy cuz i got yelled at by him, my feelings hurt again, and to top it all off...... i ended up washing his clothes this morning for him because he wouldnt, i mean wtf ;[ god... i feel like shit ;/
current mood: aggravated
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(give us a kiss)
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| Sunday, July 29th, 2001
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4:56 pm - jess ~
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erin ;/ what happened? im really sorry that i wasnt here for you to talk to. i was in roseburg, its like 3 hours away from my house. it was boring there. wanna know something funny? lol i sign on and tom is on so im talking to him, and oh yeah by the way i found a vc~@!!@~ www.paltalk.com, go there and download it. so yeah me and tom were all talkin and justin got so pissed, hes either jealous that i was talking to someone online, or just pissed that i was online in the first place *sighs* men ;T he wont let me touch him.... thats so dumb, i go try and touch him, like, put my hand on his or just run my fingers through his hair, " dont touch me, go talk on your stupid computer some more, leave me alone " ;T god, i feel like shit ;/ well ima go finish getting ready. its 5 and i seriously have nothing to do ;/
<33 ya erin
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(give us a kiss)
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| Saturday, July 28th, 2001
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12:24 pm - This is Erin.
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I'm so sick of people. They don't even realize when they do things to hurt you. Old friends talk to you out of nowhere just to say "hi." Not having a clue that just the sight of them makes you cry. It's like talking to a ghost, they're right there, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't touch them..You rehearse the words you want to say, but when they're right in front of you, the words just won't come out right, and you give up..
come back jess, I need you here to listen to me whine =( <3
current mood: numb
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(give us a kiss)
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